If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
They’re the worst 😩
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID