Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.