I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Spotted in New Orleans.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Everyone’s family
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff