Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears