there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Have a lovely day 😊
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
bad news gang
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit