Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
You Might Also Like
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Battery falling down a hole
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉