Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Breaking news:
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.