Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
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What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
technically true but not a great slogan
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on