I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Oh. My. God.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.