My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
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*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.