Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
😂😂😂
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
meanwhile over on facebook
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.