Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”