Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I put the h in mysterious.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.