when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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Does beer think about me too?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Me sliding into hell like
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!