Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
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astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
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Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
#milo