I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.