Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
This is amazing.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.