No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
🐕🍷
Usage Guidelines
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.