please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion