Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?