Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
a god among men
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I didn’t come here to be called names
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!