when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
You Might Also Like
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”