there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Proctology is located in A55
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
At least try to make it slightly believable
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.