Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My new favorite headline
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives