If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
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37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.