“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”