People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
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Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Awesome parenting 😂
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.