Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop