no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
You Might Also Like
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to