Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I鈥檓 an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn鈥檛 a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 馃槅
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
The wife and I decided we鈥檙e gonna try and have another baby so now she鈥檚 distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If you鈥檙e curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they鈥檒l definitely find then break it
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn鈥檛 even a wait when she鈥檚 playing doctor
If the sun is so hot how come it鈥檚 single
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.