CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’ve been learning to cook.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]