Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My teenage children choosing violence
handsome & gretel
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”