I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.