maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.