8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain