Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”