You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
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Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.