Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.