Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
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Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.