LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Holy shit he’s back
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Story of my life…..
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van