I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”