me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Not messing around
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.