“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?