I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol