My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
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I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Friends that check up on you >
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.