Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.