You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
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A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*