ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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My god she’s good.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.