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Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Important
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate