You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
never ask a starfish for directions
it be like that
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow